I have noticed that I ( and most people ) spent a lot of time looking around for the right things in a person. I wanted him to be smart and funny and considerate . It's common and fine to look for things I want but in a way it's a powerless position in that I was hoping to just walk upon the "Right" combination of things in a person and then have it all work out.
I feel like a shift in me has taken place. Where I know still want those things in my partner, but I feel like the relationship we co-create is much more "under my control". which kind of sounds wrong, control is not the perfect word for it. But I could, can find a person with some of the qualities I am looking for and then together we can make a great relationship work. I have much more power over my actions now. I also don't need to constantly look for someone who is "perfect" for me. Just someone who I love and who is open and willing to do the process of intimacy.
Do you know what I mean? The focus have shifted from finding the right person to being able to give the right stuff ( mutual giving) in a relationship. In essence there is more of me in a relationship, more intention. I still have some things I am looking for, but there are less deal breakers. I feel this is a good shift, especially since just happening upon the perfect man/relationship didn't work .
When or ever did you experience this shift? Is it maturity? Does it happen to all of us? What's the next step?
I feel like a shift in me has taken place. Where I know still want those things in my partner, but I feel like the relationship we co-create is much more "under my control". which kind of sounds wrong, control is not the perfect word for it. But I could, can find a person with some of the qualities I am looking for and then together we can make a great relationship work. I have much more power over my actions now. I also don't need to constantly look for someone who is "perfect" for me. Just someone who I love and who is open and willing to do the process of intimacy.
Do you know what I mean? The focus have shifted from finding the right person to being able to give the right stuff ( mutual giving) in a relationship. In essence there is more of me in a relationship, more intention. I still have some things I am looking for, but there are less deal breakers. I feel this is a good shift, especially since just happening upon the perfect man/relationship didn't work .
When or ever did you experience this shift? Is it maturity? Does it happen to all of us? What's the next step?
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Los Angeles
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Re: Shifting in relationships? When ? How?
Thu, April 3, 2008 - 1:02 AMI think one of a few critical factors in a relationship is that there be a compatible and similar set of values.
The first order of business would be obviously to understand and articulate your own values for yourself and to another (as well as others) and to have a frank and reciprocal discussion about what your respective values are. That type of "dialogue" with yourself and with another might take some time to tease out some more complex subtleties and deeper meanings. I think it might prove quite illuminating and would inform yet another mode of inquiry into being better able to articulate what you want and need for yourself and from others.
Sometimes I think that we generally don't take the time to have these processes of self-examination. I think it's very important that we do so from time to time.
Sometimes it's a good idea to gather an understanding of where you are to better inform where you might be going.
~V~ -
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Re: Shifting in relationships? When ? How?
Thu, April 3, 2008 - 1:40 AMOh, and write your values down. You might think you'll remember but you won't initially - you'll forget amidst the myriad distractions of modernity that compete for your attention to paraphrase a rose by another name.
I would also suggest having a dialogue with yourself and creating subsequent lists of items on separate pieces of paper:
What are your interests?;
What are your character strengths?:
What are your character weaknesses?
Write them all down.
Be honest with yourself, about yourself.
You do not need a guru with a cute accent to guide you; you do not need the latest trendy self-help book for $19.95; you do not need to attend a $1,000 seminar; you do not need to watch infomercials; you do not need to take a Scientology perosnality quiz; you do not need to become a cult member; you do not need to affect some foreign spiritual tradition.
You just need to start by doing some simple and self-directed activities. While it may seem a little bit like rote exercises, writing down your impressions of all of these things and having them in front of your face for reference. These "lists" can probably very useful as reference material; a means for maintaining some consciousness about where and who you are right now; and provide a basis for discussing these issues with others who might also be interested in touching base with themselves and connecting with others.
It seems to me that this should be reviewed from time to time, and perhaps redone or expanded upon every few years. It can be a spartan set of bulleted lists or some deeply imaginative, diary type of colllection of impressions of you.
And by discussing these key aspects of who you are with others, they're opinions and impressions - their external input - will perhaps begin to color and inform what you think and have written about yourself, and help you see some things that you might not be seeing so clearly or deeply.
I think these activities would be very helpful for........pretty much everyone.
~V~
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