Dear Vi,
I am going to be honest with you.

Your word s sound like those of many women who are complacent in letting another take over their life which I have read and read in many books and case studies.

You do not have to bring food to his house. He can buy food or take a bus or send out for delivery. You do not have to hang out with him when it's your creativ peak time. People hav ecoffee together in ornings to hang out. People meet for lunch. They hav eshor t dinners. they stay apart.

You owe yourself your time and food.

That said, how do you think you lov him> It honestly sounds like you lov giving up who you are to be in a relationship.. in a way you may be using him as a convenient excuse to nto do your creativ ework.

Please step back a bit from this relationship and be who you really are. He will survive 5 nights a wek without you. He can call ou tfor pizza.. or open a can of beans or a snack pack.

I do wish you well. I am NOT tryign to hurt you. I did state I was being honest and direct. I am.

Take good care.. and write in a few weeks when or if things change or stay the same.

I would suggest that at the point he becomes controlling or abusive, you simply point it out and disengage for a time. It's not going to work to get into a shouting match or (apparently) to try and get him help. So just state the case, from your perspective: "I don't think I deserve to be spoken to/treated like this, so I'm going to go now. I'll be available when you decide to treat me respectfully" - or something like that. He may argue about it, but you can lovingly insist that for the time being, it is not okay to be together. This gives him a chance to learn what _your_ needs are, and then his behavior is up to him.

What's important is that you don't just further enable him to act out from his damaged past. Everyone has their issues, but to let his define your life would be silly, not to mention counterproductive for both of you.

In all honesty ... I think that what is necessary here is more and/or better communication. One can have all the best intentions in the world, but if they are taken the wrong way or totally rub a person the wrong way, those best intentions can be a really bad thing.

That said ... you spend your peak creative time with him. You spend this, that and the other time with him. What happens if you don't spend that time with him? Does he get angry about that, too?

What I think needs to happen is you sit down and have a long talk. A lot of people aren't willing to sit down and have this long talk, though ... especially the one receiving the talk. If this is the case, catch him at a time when he is sitting on the toilet. Then you have a captive audience that cannot just get up and walk away. :) Tell him how you feel. Tell him of the sacrifices you make. More importantly, ask him how he feels and what exactly it is that he wants and/or expects from you. I feel that only then can the healing begin.

I've been in this (seeming, anyway) type of relationship before. It was reversed, though, in that it was the woman who didn't know what she wanted from me. She said she "just wanted to be happy". I'm okay with that .... but she was never happy with anything I did and she'd get angry when I'd ask her what she wanted. One day, I just asked her point blank ... what will make you happy? She says ... "I don't know, keep trying stuff." That was the end of the relationship. Why? Because it meant, at least to me, that she didn't know what was going to make her happy so I would spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy and it would never happen. Why? Because I'm not her father and she's not her mother. She has this unreasonable idea that her parents are the ideal relationship and everyone should be just like them. While her parents are great people and have been married 60 or so years, everyone is not them and what works for them may not work for everyone else. It certainly doesn't work for me.

She didn't understand (maybe she couldn't ... I don't know) that I am an individual with my own thoughts, feelings, ideas, goals, wants, needs and life. While spending time with her was nice, being treated like a 5 year old wasn't good for me. I don't need anyone checking with me every 5 minutes to see if I need to use the bathroom. If I have to go, I am big and strong enough to just get up and go. I'm not bed ridden or too heavy to get myself onto or off of the floor. She says "I just care about you". I say ... "if you care about me, start listening to what I say". She hears me, but doesn't listen ... it goes in one ear and out the other... which to me says she really can't hear what I say... or she's so determined to give me what she wants me to have that it doesn't matter what I want or need. Is that love?

She, too, accused me of being emotionally abusive. I don't think that I was, but it doesn't matter what I think... at least not in her mind. What matters is what she thinks. She was angry when I broke it off, but I just couldn't deal anymore. I'm not suggesting that you break off your relationship. You are an adult who is fully capable of making that decision when the time is right for you. What I am asking is ... how much of this "emotional abuse" is just a lack of quality communication? Only time will tell.

I'm going to be honest. This is NOT your problem to address.

It's his.

It will increase without him seeking help in managing it and overcoming it.

I would suggest a few books but need to track down the actual titles. One is on co-dependency, the other is on abuse. Verbal and emotional are just as harmful as physical (often more) as they break the spirit.

Pm me if you ever need an ear.

I've been there.

Big hugs,
Tia